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I'm standing at that in-between place, the one where you've made a decision and now you have to wait until everything takes effect and the planets align and what you decided to do actually happens.  

This is a scary place.

Waiting...I'm not good at waiting.  I'm good at doing.  I make a decision and I act on it.  Sitting still makes me edgy.  Waiting on others so I can move forward with my plans turns me into a frenetic mass of nervous, cranky energy.  Those last few weeks of pregnancy were hell, and not because I was the size of Pluto, but because I was done.  Ready. To.  Move on.  I kind of feel sorry for Husband and the Kiddos when I start querying.  I will not be a bundle of happy feel-good feelings. 

(OK, the planetary dimensions of my tummy contributed to the hellish-quality of late pregnancy, but the waiting was worse.)

I've wanted something for a while now, something big and scary and life-changing.  Doing it will introduce change and chaos at a moment when we reached a comfortable level of security in our lives.  And that is partly why I want to do it now.  With extra stability from one direction, I feel better about stepping out on a limb in another.  There are many reasons to do this and one really, really big reason not to.  Really big.  Huge.  Big enough that I couldn't make this decision on my own.  

I want this, so I talked to Husband.  I told him all the reasons why and the reason why not and my fears and worries.  I cried even though I tried so hard to not.  He drove in quiet for a few blocks.  (We drive to and from work together, so most discussions happen in the car.)  I blew my nose and waited.  And panicked, and regretted saying anything, and tried not to show how nervous I was.  And then, since he is amazing, he said things like what good is security if I'm not happy.  He also said something about how he's used to me inviting chaos into our life, but we'll ignore that comment and focus on what he said after that, which was that it's worth a little chaos to be with me.  (Yeah, I cried again.)

So I decided to do it and have taken the first steps.  I can't go into details, yet, but hear I sit, staring at something scary and exciting, and I'm going crazy.  I'm second-guessing myself and plotting out what-ifs and disaster scenarios. *headdesk*  

But I'm still doing it.  Keep your fingers crossed for me. 


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 20th, 2012 11:55 pm (UTC)
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to remain sane. Good luck in whatever it is you have to do!
Mar. 21st, 2012 07:26 pm (UTC)
That's the truth. I just hope my sanity survives the process. Thanks!
Mar. 21st, 2012 07:07 pm (UTC)
Mar. 21st, 2012 07:26 pm (UTC)
I promise to reveal when I can. ;)
Mar. 21st, 2012 08:26 pm (UTC)
*crosses fingers*
Mar. 22nd, 2012 12:15 am (UTC)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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