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I did something yesterday that took a huge burden off my shoulders.  Something I've been planning for over a year.  Something I hinted at here and never followed up on because after I made the decision, it broke my heart a little (a lot) to realize it would take over a year to follow through on that decision and I couldn't bear to talk about it in case it didn't come true.

I'm sorry for teasing all of you and then vanishing for months, but it was dark and sad in my head and heart and I didn't want to spread that around.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I like to hide, you see.  I smile and nod and say things are fine when they aren't.  But I have a harder time lying in writing, especially here where I promised myself I'd be honest.  I might be vague to protect my family, friends, and self, but I am honest.  And I just couldn't dismiss the sadness here.  I can't tell you the number of posts I have written and deleted over the last months because I couldn't say what I wanted to say and what came out of my head and fingers was just depressing or whiny.

And I couldn't talk about my decision because it was a secret known only to me, Husband, and the Kiddos.  It was my light at the end of the tunnel, precious and dear.  My Babylon candle.  I held it close while over and over I questioned it and doubted it's existence all the while begging and pleading that it be real because I desperately needed the light to get through the darkness.

Yesterday morning I held up my candle and took my first steps out of the darkness.

Last night I laughed and joked around and smiled...I smiled so much I was damn near crying...and Husband pointed out that it was the first time in months (?!) I had done so.  This of course made me actually cry.  The relief, oh god how to describe it?  Relief from this stress is like the relief after giving birth.  I laughed and cried then, too.  And then I slept better than I have in...I'm not sure how long.  Months?  Insomnia really messes with your memory.*

Also, I've lost 15 lbs in the last month.  *happy dance*  (Ok, ok.  I lost 15, gained 4 back and lost 2 more since. I know that's 13 lbs.  So, I'm rounding up.  I'm happy.  Dude, don't harsh my mellow.) **

So anyway, things are getting better.  Something good is coming.  I can't tell y'all yet, but I will soon.  I promise.  I'm sorry for teasing like this, but I'm so excited I had to share just a little.  Does anyone else have good things happening?  Please share!  Spread the happiness!

* I've run the gamut of depression and all it's little demons.  Insomnia, weight gain, loss of appetite, mood swings, lethargy.  It was like being pregnant only there's no deadline due date so there is no end in sight.  Depression sucks.

** Gaining weight when you have no appetite is just nature's way of sticking it to you, you know?  It's not enough that I'm sad.  Noooo, I have to be sad and fat and I can't even enjoy my cake because I'm not hungry.  Depression really sucks.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 26th, 2013 06:11 pm (UTC)
I hope things continue to get better. <3
Feb. 26th, 2013 07:24 pm (UTC)
Me, too. And for you, as well! I was so thrilled to hear about your news. Congrats!
Feb. 26th, 2013 07:54 pm (UTC)
Depression sucks.

I'm glad you're on an upswing and feeling good about things, and I'm looking forward to learning what they are ;)
Feb. 26th, 2013 08:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks! And I can't wait to share the news.
Feb. 26th, 2013 10:00 pm (UTC)
Checking in from a dark place myself...

I am so happy to hear that you have found yourself a candle. I hope it shines brighter and brighter for you as the days go on!
Feb. 27th, 2013 01:58 am (UTC)
Thank you! I hope you have a candle, too, or that you find one if you haven't yet. The hardest thing for me to remember is that just because it's dark doesn't mean I'm alone. Sometimes I just can't see the others standing with me. You're not alone.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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